WARNING! THIS POST CONTAINS TRIGGERING TOPICS! DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER THAN THIS WARNING IF YOU THINK YOU MAY BE TRIGGERED/RELAPSE/BE OFFENDED! THIS IS THE ONLY WARNING YOU WILL GET!
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It's Hard.
It's hard to tell a story of addiction when no one understands what you've gone through or are going through. It's hard to talk about it, when the community you're apart of, often lacks the empathy to understand what it is, you're dealing with. This is my tale. Of how a singular choice, ended with a debilitating mental illness that I now fight with, everyday.
My collection when I first began, numbered easily at 100 models of varying sizes. I never thought much of spending $100 - $300 easily on models. Even though I was on a fixed income and often required a payment plan just to pay the entire purchase off. I never batted an eye at going without a full month's worth of food. At one point, I never thought twice, about calling the Hydro company and lying about why that month's bill payment would be late. I never thought twice about going on a repayment plan, often times, funded by the disability program I was on, sending the money automatically. I found it easy to forget, that once the rent and that repayment money came out automatically, I just saw a check of endless chances to buy, buy, buy.
I never really hid my issue from my partner, family or my friends but my family would often say "you do it to yourself" in reply of whenever I'd complain about not having enough food to do me an entire month. Eventually, when I was only 24, I was scrolling through Facebook, on my original account, when I saw a post that triggered me into action. In this post, the OP was talking about how they were addicted to buying horse models and not telling their partner, family, or friends. But as I read the comments (this happening in 2013), I saw people urging this person to seek help. Op was openly admitting to starving themselves just to get that hot, new model fix. And naturally, concerned hobbyists were urging them to seek help. Their reply? "It's just a joke!"
But is it really a joke when you're starving yourself? And admitting to doing so?
I didn't think so and I wanted so badly to say as such but something made me pause. I realized, I had an issue. I had a problem. I was addicted to model horse collecting and it was in fact, getting out of hand and so, I vanished. I vanished mostly, entirely, from the community as a whole. If I did buy, it was from those who didn't know my story. Who didn't know I struggled. And it wasn't in the large amounts that I had originally been buying in.
The fact is folks, that comments like "it's no one's business" aren't helpful. Whenever you post a sly post about hiding your spending habits from your partner, family or friends, then you have a problem and you need to seek help. It's not funny to brag about hiding your spending habits from anyone. Whether you do or not, isn't the point, the point is, you're leading many to believe you do and then when you say it's a joke, we're left uncertain on whether to believe you or not. Many within this community are addicts and or, are recovered addicts and to those small few, we don't view such posts as a joke because to us, to many of us, it wasn't a joke at one point. For many of us, it became a matter of life or death, of having a roof over our heads, versus living on the streets or in a shelter.
Since 2014, I've been a recovered addict but that doesn't make my past any less painful. I battle each day with my spending and I fight each time I get my disability check to make an even balance and often times, I still fail. I make $1.5k each month on disability and to some, that's 'easy money' but to me, it means paying rent, paying for a storage unit (my half), and it involves re-saving for that 'what if' vet emergency, and saving up for a new camper (mine's toast). It's not easy and it's not a joke. It's also not funny.
I've done life long and permanent damages to both my kidneys and liver. By the time I'm 50, I'm looking at possibly needing a double kidney transplant and a liver transplant, simply from the damages done, when I was younger and starving myself and only subsisting on teas and then gorging on food when I did get my next check. I fight each day with a weight issue brought on by a way of life, that has caused irreparable damages to my body.
If you think someone saying such posts aren't funny, then you need to get help. Having empathy for the community, as a whole, costs nothing. Pointing out to folks that such posts hurt others, shouldn't see such hateful comments such as "it's no one's business!" or "people should mind their own business!" when all we're doing is saying "hey, these posts are hurting some within our community."
We do have addicts/recovering addicts in our community but many of us don't speak up because we're ashamed. We're ashamed of what our spending habits have done to ourselves, our lives, and quite possibly, to our relationships. Many of us don't speak up, because we get viewed as 'attention seeking' or worse yet as liars. Or if we do speak up, we get nothing but fake sympathy by those who simply don't get it, but claim they do. And if those who do get it, speak up, they, themselves, often get berated for even saying so.
If you've never had to deal with addiction, in any form, then you don't and won't understand what we go through.
It began as a choice. But ended in a debilitating illness. One many addicts don't succeed in overcoming. When I moved to British Columbia, I moved to the Tri-Port area. I've seen it all. I've seen people passed out on the sidewalks, on the road, near shopping centers or businesses. I've come across at least one deceased person, who OD'ed on lord only knows what. It's not funny.
And if you think someone saying it's no longer funny, that such posts are more harmful then they are helpful/funny, then honestly? You're apart of the problem at large. Harsh words? Possibly. But are they needed to be said? Yes.
I point no fingers to any one person within this community, within this hobby. If you're happy with how you spend your money, if you're happy with not being able to afford food for not only yourself but your family, your pets, etc, then you do you boo. If you're happy with how you spend your money, if you're happy with not being able to afford your rent, mortgage, car payment, bills, etc, then you do you boo. But don't come at people who point out that posts joking about addiction aren't funny, but are in fact, triggering, sideways.
We're not posting such posts to make you feel bad, horrible, etc. We're letting you know how we personally feel when we see such posts being made. Has it occurred to those of you who get easily offended by such posts, that perhaps the OP is a recovering addict? Did it occur to you, that you did the exact thing many of us, are scared of? You belittled us. You made us feel guilty for speaking up. You did the exact thing, that makes many addicts not say a word about their struggles.
"We'll scroll on by then!" It's easier said than done. If you've never suffered from any form of addiction, then you have no idea how hard it is, to avoid such posts. You have no idea, how we fight with ourselves to not engage with such posts. You don't see us, sitting here, crying because we're fighting an inner war that often times, sees us on the losing team. You don't see the anxiety attacks. The panic attacks. You don't see our partners, fighting to get us to calm down, to talk to them. You don't see any of this. But we see what you've said to us.
"Don't take it to heart/seriously!" Again. It's easy for you to say if you've not dealt with a form of addiction or know of someone who has. You don't know how hard it is for some of us to fight not to relapse and in many cases, we fail. We fail so horribly, we wind up battling an even worse demon; depression. And we all know how severe depression can, and often has ended for many of our loved ones. There isn't a singular person in this community, whose not been affected, in some way, shape or form by depression and it's so often than not, tragic ending.
So don't be so quick to judge us. We're NOT judging you when we say "please stop". We're asking because we don't want to be another number on a list already out of control.
If you're in a highly abusive situation and need help, please call someone you trust, and use the above hand signal to ask for help, silently. If your abuser has no idea what the above signal means, they will be 100% unaware what the signal means. Your friend or family member can then call 911 (or your local law enforcement) to get you help and get you to safety.
Please understand that if you're in an abusive situation, that it's not your fault. None of it is and you need to seek out help ASAP. Domestic abuse/violence, often never ends well, and as a victim, you must be your own voice, your own advocate, and you must initiate the desire for help, before help can reach you.
The above hand signal is universal and everyone should know of it/about it. And if you, as a viewer see this signal coming from a friend, CALL 911 IMMEDIATELY! The situation is serious and first responders will know immediately what the hand signal means once shown to them.
Please know, that safety in any community is paramount. If you're in danger, don't hide behind jokes. Use these images in a post and calmly release your location, whether as a reply, such as "I live at such and such address". As a community, we must do better. We have to do better. And we can be better and do better.
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