DISCLAIMER; TALKS OF SELF HARM. DO NOT PROCEED IF YOU'LL BE TRIGGERED! THIS IS THE ONLY WARNING YOU'LL GET, SO READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!
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Only now do I feel safe in telling this tale to you all. I ask simply for respect. Know it alls, need not comment.
In 2018, I survived the last and final attempt at 'offing' myself. I was at the lowest point in my entire life. Not even being SA'ed as a child, not once, not twice, but three times, had affected me as badly as this singular event had. I was left feeling so uncertain about my future, that I kept looking at the pill bottle and sadly, the voices in my mind, nearly won.
If you're from Ontario Canada, you know that many of us face an uncertain future where it concerns HydroOne. We won't dive too much into the politics, just know that millions of families in my birth province, had, in 2018, been forced to choose between starvation or keeping the lights on. All because, through an unknown deal, never made known to the public, HydroOne, our electricity provider for the province of Ontario Canada, had not only been sold, it was sold to the USA.
What did this mean? It meant all our hydro generated in Ontario, was then sent down to the USA to be 'refined' and it is then sent back to Ontario, at a marked up price. So marked up in fact, that you're left paying taxes upon taxes upon taxes.
You're left asking yourself; how does a bill, marked one day at $85 suddenly jump, within 24hrs to well over $600+? This was the situation I had found myself in and it was my breaking point. How was I to keep the heat on? Plus buy food for not only myself but my pets, one of whom is federally protected as a service animal?
At my breaking point and the limits of what any human could handle, I sought to end it all but something made me pause and instead, I dialed 911 and entered the local hospital where I went on observation for 48hrs. Upon leaving, my friend Bailey, who was also my neighbor, was there to pick me up and he, his dad, and I, sat down to discuss everything.
On a whim, I decided to get my first tattoo. I'd hand drawn the triquetra many times and to me, it always brought deep comfort. This was my ; and Bailey agreed to do the tattoo for free (I paid him $30 as a thank you though as ink isn't cheap!)
To many, who later saw the tattoo, all they saw was a person 'stealing' from their culture while failing horribly to understand, I am part Irish and Scottish. Much if not a good 99% of my family, hails from the Emerald Isles and more specifically, the Isle of Skye. While yes, we have family pretty much everywhere in Europe, most of my dad's side, hail from these two countries specifically (we only recently discovered we have Welsh but it's not really enough to say we're Welsh).
Those who hated upon me, failed to understand, it took me nearly a year, one whole year, to decide on the final design of my tattoo. I went through many design sketches and with Bailey's help, we decided on the simplest one of them all. Nothing fancy. Nothing shaded. Simple.
And ever since then, whenever the demons encroach on my mind, I simply look to my left wrist and am reminded, I survived and am a survivor of some of the worst crimes that could ever be committed against, not only a child, but a young adult. I've survived being sexually assaulted, abused, etc. And when I lost my daughter at just 6 months along into the pregnancy, my tattoo again, brought me comfort.
A triquetra is an ancient symbol that consists of three overlapping and interconnected arcs, sometimes known as a Vesica Pisces shape, that creates a tri-pointed symbol. Essentially, the symbol resembles a three-cornered knot, as all internal arcs look as though there is no beginning or end. The Celtic triangle, or triple knot, was believed to create an unbreakable circle of protection. It symbolizes the fact that the physical, mental and spiritual are all intertwined.
The Triquetra is prevalent in jewelry designs as a good luck and protection charm. It also represents the eternal cycle of life and is a common symbol of faith and hope. The Trinity knot is a universal symbol in Irish culture since ancient times, believed to represent the union of two people.
And ultimately, it was it's symbol of hope, that made the final decision of getting it as a tattoo, that did it for me. So if you're suffering, like I was (and still do from time to time), find something that grounds you, that recenters your focus. It's hard, trust me, it's unbelievably hard. But once you find that one, special item that regrounds and refocuses you, it'll be worth all that pain prior
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