Question from a follower: "What life event changed, or morphed you into who you are today?"
In 2003 I began to notice my grandmother (dad's mom) was getting more frail. It happens with anyone and everyone right? Well, as a young 14yr old, I didn't wholly understand what was going on and why. Here was the woman, who'd raised me from 3 weeks of age, getting weaker and weaker. Day by day, you could see the spark in her eyes dimming. Each new day was a battle just to get out of bed. And as a child, you notice things. You see the subtle changes that adults don't think a child that young would notice.
In 2004, my grandmother became much worse. I was 15yrs old, struggling to maintain my high school grades and coming home tending to a grandmother, whose body had failed her. She was bed ridden and unknown to her family, her 15yr old granddaughter was tending to her. By the end of January, she was in hospital.
I'd had no idea what hospice was but looking back on the room she'd been in, I realize now, she'd been put into long term hospice care, why else would the dates when she was to come home, never happen?
In February, just one month and 26 days before my 16th birthday, we lost her. I was, understandably, devastated. Here I was, only 15 1/2 years old and watching as my family all but tore itself apart. We'd been told for years, that there was a will. Imagine our surprise, horror and anger, when we discovered that while yes there was a will, it'd just never been fully legalized and therefore, everything within it, was considered void and hearsay.
I watched as my uncles and father yelled, screamed, and all but decided each other was dirt. I watched as my stepfamily stole my grandmothers things. And I watched, powerless as people whom I didn't know, tried to waltz into my life in an attempt to change me (we later learned my step grandfather had been cheating on my grandmother, even while she laid in a hospital dying - this woman would later become his wife and would try but ultimately fail, to change me).
Even remembering the horrors of those first few months, hurts. It hurts to remember. It hurts because once I turned 16, I was little more than just something my step grandfather found to be a chore to come home too. Where my grandmother would go over my report card and help me understand where I could improve, he would merely scan it, then throw it out. He would never explain where I needed to seek further help from my teachers or peers. And this, sadly, set the stage for how the rest of my life would ultimately, fall apart.
I was 16yrs old when I began to sleep with men. Often times, they were 5yrs my senior and protection wasn't something that ever crossed my mind and by the time I was 17yrs old, I was pregnate with my first and only daughter.
What needs to be said, is that CPS felt I would be just like my mom and dad whom never raised any of us 4 kids and 2 stepkids (I have two step siblings). When I was only 12yrs old, I can remember coming home, to my grandmother sobbing on the phone to my uncle, a man who was like a father figure to me. At the time, I didn't understand what she meant when she said "CPS said she'd never be allowed to raise a child" but looking back, I realize, I was pre-condemned before I'd even thought about having kids.
Shortly before my daughter's birth, CPS made it clear they would fight for Crown Ward / No Access and what this means, is the child becomes a ward of the crown (aka the government) and the no access means the birth parents, have zero rights to see, get updates, or even know where their child(ren) are. But I made the decision to fight. However slim of a chance I had, I wasn't going to let CPS (known as CAS in Canada), have the satisfaction of ever telling my daughter, I never fought for her.
What also needs to be said is that her father's mother's husband was and is a known and registered sex offender, having sexually assaulted a 16yr old and therefore, wasn't legally allowed around kids under the age of 16. He had 3 minors with my daughter's father's mother and each one, later in life, would admit to a court, of having their own father sexually assault them.
What also needs to be said, is that while I was in hospital with my daughter, I had noticed him eyeing her up, with a smile that to this day, sends chills down my spin just remembering it, while I was changing her diaper. This, alone, plus the knowledge of what his record was, would cement my decision when I realized at the final court hearing, that it would either be my decision to sign my rights off, or the judge would do it for me.
I had asked for a private audience with the judge, something I was granted and while we went to recess, I informed him of the stepfather's history. Providing everything he would need to know that this wasn't a lie and therefore, voiding my ex's mother's and stepfather's push to try and get parental rights of my daughter (more so when I reveled, I and my lawyer had overheard the mother saying they would move to Toronto and as I couldn't drive, they would make sure I never saw my daughter again - both my ex's mother and stepfather are now wanted on child trafficking charges in Canada).
My life, as can be seen in this post, spiraled. I became suicidal many times while living in Ontario Canada. I wasn't happy. And nothing I did, brought me any sort of long term happiness. But I managed to cope with a movie franchise, one that kept my attention away from the pill bottle and that franchise is; Underworld.
Looking back now, I realize just how much I secluded myself into this universe, where myths and legends were real. If ever I needed courage, like Rhona Mitra's character, Sonja, portrayed and like Michael Sheen's character Lucian, it was then. Almost every month, I was on the phone to the suicide prevention hotline. This feeling of 'things'll never get better' was amplified by BellCanada (wifi/phone/cable provider)'s inability to get their billing cycle sorted. Of having a company taking advantage of a young adult and abusing them, simply because they could. Of struggling each month to have enough food just to survive. And not having any sort of support because, after one too many toxic relationships ending with abuse and threats, you no longer sought help and not wanting to be a burden on those around you, you kept your issues, your problems, to yourself because you were made to believe, someone else was having a much worse time than you were.
I threw myself into this world, more or less. Where the dream, ultimately was, not having to deal with the never ending problems, problems which, over time would go away but the issues they created would constantly linger in the back of my mind. All the 'what ifs' hanging over my head. What if I'd done this differently? Tried this differently? It was a vicious cycle and one that, had my mental health spiraling out of my control.
But throughout all of this, the franchise would draw me back from the very edge. It's strange how much this franchise saved my life. Even when I was grieving the loss of a beloved pet, even when I had to deal with the abuse from my roommates, and then of course, Covid, it's quite shocking how much a franchise can save a person from themselves by distracting them, even momentarily, from the everyday issues that life throws at us.
With Underworld, overall as a whole, it reminded me that with loss, I had a choice. I could choose to let it destroy me and guide me down a road which had no return, or, I could choose to fight through it. You know, I own all the Underworld movies, including the limited edition extended version of the first movie, and I've never watched the interview section. If I'm being openly honest, it doesn't interest me. All we're hearing is how the movie and it's characters made the actors feel when they were portraying those characters, we never hear how the general public feels. Until now.
With Sonja, I found the courage, albit slowly, to stand up to my abusive father who, whenever he drinks in excess, becomes highly abusive, both verbally and even physically. I refused to take his abuse and for several years, I kept him blocked on Facebook and even extended this 'block' to phone calls. I would find out how he was doing through his brother, my uncle and he'd find out how I was doing through his brother. Whenever I was told I had to 'get over myself', I would remind whomever said this, that I didn't have to tolerate being abused by anyone, especially the very man whose supposed to support, love, and protect me, not abuse me.
With Lucian, I found that I could let the abuse of my past and the tragic and often unjustified losses, define how I viewed life. Now, some may argue that how he handled the tragic loss of his wife and unborn child was toxic, but when you consider the injustice they'd endured, you can understand why, Lucian took his anger and used it to keep himself alive. He was constantly one step ahead of those who would of happily, seen him dead. Now while in the end, his trust in another, did lead to his death, in the end, we are shown that we can choose who we can trust with our lives and who we can't. We're taught how to gauge and watch how those around us, treat us when we're with them and how they treat us, when we're not. His abuse, made him stronger and the same could, in theory, be said for me. Nothing at this stage in my life, phases me. The death of a beloved pet however? That's a day where you just leave me alone.
Now, while I love Lucian (probably a wee bit too much) I simply adore Kevin Grevioux's character Raze. Seriously, where the hell was this tall as hell, brooding lycan when I was a damn kid? Like I kid you not, Raze is more than welcomed to be my BFF, Uncle, whatever the heck he wants cause the words 'tall, dark, broody and handsome' sum him up perfectly. But what I love and adore about Kevin's character, is the fact that, he's loyal to Lucian as his friend. I've had the honor of having such a friendship with my friend Stacey. Seven years😂Seriously, this woman would go to war for me and I her. We've had each other's backs ever since we became friends on Facebook in 2016. But it's this friendship that Raze has with Lucian, that makes him one of the characters I connected with during my hardest moments in my life. I really didn't have many friends growing up. In fact, I was often the loner kid. The one who struggled daily to make friendships, nevermind keep them. I was the one kid, that was always the target for the bullies (so much so, I spent much of my first years in public school at the principal's office for fighting). So seeing that friendship that Raze had with Lucian, is why my friendship with Stacey is so important.
Now Richard Cetrone's character, Pierce😂Seriously, this guy would of been my 'type' growing up (-coughs- still is -coughs-) Like where the heck does one find a broody, temperamental lycan nowadays?🤣And the fact that he played Zeus in my other favorite movie, Army of the Dead, like seriously. How the hell did y'all make a zombie handsome? Like...how? My confusion levels on this are very high. But in Underworld, Pierce is that one character most of us relate too, quite heavily. Here's this lycan who, quite thoroughly enjoys knocking the crap out of his buddy Taylor, but under all that, you can see a lycan who, if given even half a chance, would take the world on for his friends. Again, I can relate to this, because, as mentioned above with Raze's character, the two are eerily similiar in how they'd help their friends out.
Now both Kevin and Richard's characters taught me that you can have a ton of 'friends' but there's always gonna be that one friend, who you'd go to war for. And even if that person gets on your nerves sometimes (like I swear I do with poor Stacey), they'll always have your back, no matter what shitshow you end up on/in.
Now Anna Lundberg may end up someday swatting me for this but I was beyond fascinated by The Sandman but sadly, her role in the series overall, seems to of only been for one episode? Either way, I'd no idea she played the character Marion and now, looking back, I realize, I was way too hung up on actor Tom Sturridge🤣So Anna, swat away my friend but ah, coffee first🤣
The events of my life, sadly can't be shoved into one box. And I think when we attempt to do so, we minimize the traumas we've endured, and the sacrifices we've had to make to overcome them. A movie or tv show, no matter your preference, can be life savers. We've proven time and again, by the genuine love we have for the people who bring the characters to life, just how much their characters and the shows in which the characters are in, mean to us. We, as fans, often forget that while we love the actors and actresses, so often, we forget the things they've endured as well and it's these traumas, that you can often catch, even the briefest of glimpses in too, which make a character great or make a character flop.
But growing up, I connected deeply with Lord of the Rings, Underworld, and other franchises that have come then gone. But while Lord of the Rings continues to evolve, Underworld has, shockingly, remained the same. It's one of those movies that had a niche for being great and indeed, it was. And it was these characters, and through their own trials, that I was able to heal from the traumas, I'd endured. I cherish each, small interaction made on social media. Even if it's a like or a thumbs up or a simple hello or thank you, that interaction means the world to me. Because being an introvert means I dislike crowds, social situations, etc, I find a convention to be one of those situations that would see me needing my service animal and sadly, cats are still not fully recognized as such, so attending a convention means, I'd be nothing but a bundle of highly anxious energy, and would more than likely, be steering clear of everyone I'd want to meet so as not to cause them any discomfort (because surprise! Humans are still highly sensitive creatures and we can easily feed off of the positive or negative energy).
When I got to video chat with Christopher Heyerdahl during the Liverpool ComicCon, I was, rightfully, overjoyed. Here was an actor, who had, on a regular basis, interacted with me. And hearing him say "It's great to put a face to the one who wishes me Merry Christmas each year" was, to say the least, the icing on the cake for an already very hard month (In April of 2023, I lost my cat Pele due to vet malpractice).
And when I finally achieved a long goal of getting the Underworld; Rise of the Lycans comic books, which are illistrated by Kevin himself (and I do believe written by him as well), having him send a heart message when I posted the above photo to my IG, I was, quite frankly, over the moon.
To those who are mentioned throughout this post and are, rightfully, tagged in the IG post, I want you to know that, in all honesty, you've no idea how grateful I am to you. Is this the spewings of a fan doing a revel all? Perhaps. But it's also the spewings of a fan who very rarely if ever, opens up to anyone about her traumas. Of which, sadly, there are many. I find it hard to open up, simply because, I've been forced to accept, that my thoughts and often times, my opinions on things, simply don't matter. My emotions, feelings, everything that makes a human, human, don't matter. I've been forced to bottle up both positive and negative emotions so much, that when I finally do talk about how I'm feeling, it's often done so, from a place of extreme anger, frustration and fear. I will literally bounce from topic to topic in a stress filled attempt to get everything out into the open, fearing that if I don't, my opinions, thoughts and emotions, won't mean anything to whomever I'm confiding in.
Often times, I often feel like I've said too much, that by being honest with people, I've scared them off. But then I just shake it off and say "it is what it is". This feeling of being shunned, of closing how I feel, off, to everyone around me, is a trauma response. One I've fought and fight with daily to overcome, often with little to no success. So the small interactions obtained, may seem like a fan going crazy when they share those interactions, but when it comes from me, it comes from a fan whose in disbelief that anyone off her Facebook friends list (hell even half of those don't speak to me lmao), would engage and chat with her, nevermind interact with her. It's a fan who spends hours staring at the interaction and going "why me? why would they interact with me? I'm a nobody." And sadly, this statement, is something I've had to fight to erase from my mindset. But it's a mindset brought on by both family and friends who would often accuse me of thinking only of myself, even when, in certain moments of my life, I needed to think of only myself because, at that moment in time, I was the one being hurt or had been hurt, not anyone else around me.
When you're an only child, raised out in the countryside, with no friends for miles around and the only friends you can make, are animals, you learn very quickly, that the monsters you're told to watch out for, such as the boogyman, sandman, etc, aren't really all that bad. You learn very quickly when your family turns their back on you and friends as well, that humans, are the worst sort of monster out there. See, you expect to be hurt by an animal. You never expect to be hurt by a human. At least, not when you're a child. But as you grow up, go to school and get older, you realize that, sadly, the animals you were told to fear, aren't so bad after all and that the animals you really need to watch out for, are humans. So as a fan, when I say to those who've impacted my life in a positive manner, and I tell you this, it doesn't come from a place of "OMG IT'S SO AND SO! LEMME FANGIRL OVER EM!" it comes from a place of genuine gratitude and respect.
Because truly, while this post may have bounced around, quite a bit, I can honestly say, I've no idea where my life would be or turned out, had it not been for the people and their characters, cited above. They say your vibe attracts your tribe, well, welcome to the nuthouse folks🤣Cause honestly, the vibes y'all give off, are what have attracted this loner to you.
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